I am in the Tradeshow and Convention industry. I have been doing this for over 25 years and I was in this business when I got married. A lot of the Tradeshows move in and out on weekends and at night. Very rarely do I work at the same location for more than a week at a time and my daily start times are different almost each day. I don't get off from work until the job is finished so the ending time for work is different almost every day. I work most weekends and sometimes late into the night so when I did get some time off I would spend time with them. But it was never enough.

These long and ever changing work hours makes it tough on the family but many families have survived such obstacles. Firemen, Truck Drivers, Police Officers, medical employees and graveyard shift workers have managed to raise families. They accomplish this because they make themselves available to their families when they are home from work. I have always been available to my family. But because of my work hours, we had to be flexible and sometimes make do on short notice. Let me just say that our marriage did not break up because of my job but it did play a role in the problems that we had.

I asked for Joint Custody because I was hoping that we could settle on a more flexible schedule. The same kind of flexibility that I had to use while I was still living at home with my kids.  But of course I wanted to be with my kids as much as possible.

My wife was angry and bitter about our impending divorce. She totally blamed me for every problem that we had ever had. Even our third Marriage Counselor suggested we get away from each other for the children's sake. I agreed. 

My wife sought advice from some of her divorced friends. They told her about a secret weapon that they had used during their divorces to gain an advantage over their ex-husbands. They also told her that she had the same weapon available to her and she should make use of it. The secret weapon they were talking about is called a Restraining Order or Stay-Away Order or Order of Protection, depending on which part of the country live in. 

This weapon is as devastating as any bomb or chemical weapon can be. It separates people from their families, their homes and their belongings. It puts good, hard working people out into the streets and worst of all, it separates good, loving parents from their own children. 

There was just one small hurdle that my wife had to get over before she could use this weapon. That hurdle was to convince the Family Courts that her husband was an abusive, angry, out of control, terrible Husband and Father.  But I knew that there was no way any court would look at me and believe that I was any of those things. After all, this is America. The land of truth and justice.

I was pretty confident at this point. I knew that I had never laid a finger on my wife. I have never even spanked my children. I just don't believe in it.  In other words, I am not a violent person by nature so I thought that this restraining order talk would just go away once the court saw what an honest, hard working and loving Father I was.

WRONG! 

Her "friends" advised her that to obtain her secret weapon she must tell the courts that she was afraid of me.  Of course she listened to them.

Now it was court day. I stood in front of the lady Judge from Orange County confident that They would see how ludicrous this whole restraining order thing was and throw the whole thing out. But then she began to question me about incidents that were reported to have occurred during our 15 years of marriage. She asked me about an incident concerning me dumping out my wife's purse on the bed because I was in a hurry and couldn't find the car keys. I kept looking at the Judge and waiting for her to ask me a real question. She just looked back at me and waited for me to respond to this inane question. So I did. I told her that although I could not remember the exact incident she was referring to, I did not doubt that it may have occurred at one time or another. I wanted to ask her what that alleged incident had to do with anything but just bit my lip and waited for her to say something else. Then came the next question. 

"Didn't you once threaten to kick the family dog over a fence because it was digging holes in your back yard?" 

I said, "Your Honor. I probably threatened to kick THE KIDS over the fence once or twice over the years. It was just talk. Nothing ever happened. So what does that prove?" 

She looked at me with those cold, unfeeling eyes and ordered a three year restraining order to go into effect immediately. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. As she was reading off the various rules involved, such as staying 100 yards away from my own home and my own children and no communication with them in any way, I began to protest. As if this wasn't enough to throw at me she then ordered me to attend "Batterers Treatment" classes for an entire year. I told her that she was turning me into a criminal by not allowing me access to my children and ordering me to attend these classes which I did not deserve and would have a difficult time finishing due to my work schedule. When the Judge started to threaten me with jail time if I didn't shut up, I shut up and left the court room. 

Without any evidence or testimony from anyone else and without any crime ever being committed, my ex-wife was granted a three year Restraining Order against me. She got her secret weapon. I was now in the grips of the Family Court System. I was in shock. Could this really be happening to me?

During my 15 years of marriage, there was never, EVER any incidents of Violence, Domestic or otherwise. I was (and still am) a caring loving Father who was voted Father of the Year by my Daughters Girl Scout Troop. My kids went to Catholic School and played sports. I was very much involved in their lives even though I worked an average of 60 hours per week.

Even though I was so graciously granted MONITORED  VISITS for only two hours EVERY OTHER SATURDAY, I was still ordered to pay a large amount of Child Support. But my wife still managed to "miss" several of these visits until I had to go to the local Police and file a report.

Now don't get me wrong. I have no problem paying Child Support. I do have a problem with a court system that plays into a bitter woman's hands and allows her to continue to use our children as weapons against their own father. In my opinion, this is tantamount to Child Abuse. 

Now we are talking about Parental Alienation Syndrome. My wife is not only keeping my children from me but she is turning them against me in every way. She will not even allow them to answer the phone for fear that it may be me. She will not be happy until they feel the same way about me as she does. This should be a crime!

Talking to many different people and doing a lot of reading has helped me realize that I am not alone. There are many Fathers and Mothers that are going through similar situations. My heart goes out to you. Something must be done to stop the destruction of the American Family by the Family Court System and give both parents equal custody rights! Children need BOTH PARENTS!
 

• The Brutal Custody Issues of a Divorced Father
• Dads Rights - A Personal Homepage
• Ex-Fathers Website
• Fathers Helping Fathers